Tuesday, June 26, 2007

my salt -n- pepa album was a big hit on the subway today

you know its hard to read a book and hold a record on the train at the same time and as I was shuffling about i noticed a women sitting there craning her neck trying to get a good look at the record. so i let her see it and i held it out. she thanked me and i told her "i am gonna have fun with this record when i get home." and she was like "oh yeah?" and I said "this takes be back to to my roller skating days" and she was like "yeah? was that a long time ago?" and I was like "oh yeah, a very long time ago"and we arrived at the next stop. i found a less crowded area on the train and by 14th street I had a seat and the person sitting next to was trying to get a glimpse at my awesome salt -n- pepa record but this time i didn't say anything.

Yeah I said it!!!my roller skating days?!?!?!

So what?

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

life is so good

and its been so long since i've been here and I am bearing witness to some sovereign states of foreign country diplomacies and so I started writing for a printed publication and now I am the editor. http://www.dumbopaneling.com/

but Leo Kelbs that site is never updated but maybe i should start posting my stories here. oh you know what I'll just do that now heres a story where I go mad and search for answers from god:

Local man confused by everything.

by Arnheim Liebermann

It all started with a bad dream. Everything was fine until one night I had a nightmare that they made a sequel to the 1988 masterpiece "Cocktail" where Tom Cruise plays the lead role as Brian Flanagan, a competitive flare bartender. In "Cocktail 2" the lead role was played by none other than the illustrious Will Ferrell. I knew it was only a matter of time when this movie would be made and I was scared.

All of a sudden I found myself in line at the movies and there were crowds of Will Ferrell fans jabbering loudly about how excited they were to see this movie. I looked at the ticket in my hand where "Cocktail 2" was stamped in blocky text. Standing in front of the movie poster I saw pink neon letters that spelled out "Cocktail 2" in cursive above a giant image of Will Farrell in a blue silk shirt with his chest hair exposed and feathered to perfection. A thick shiny helmet of gelled slickness sat on top of his head as he made the most awful pornstar smile that almost looked like a painful grimace from a man who had a eight man crew of worker elves lodged up his ass. For a moment there I freaked out as I thought he was actually looking at me until I snapped out of it and I remembered it was just a poster. Then I looked around me and all the posters in the theatre were all for the same movie, "Cocktail 2"!!! I began to panic and I pushed my way through the crowds trying to find a theatre that was showing a different movie. Above the doors of every theatre the same thing was written on every marquee "Cocktail 2". I was trapped!

Failing to find an open exit door, I asked one of the employees why the doors would not open. "The doors do not open until the movie is over" He asked to see my ticket and he started yelling at me. "You're at the wrong theatre sir, this seat is located in theatre #12, this is theatre #18 sir! Your movie already started ten minutes a ago so I'm afraid I'm going to have to send you to Theatre # 20 so you can see the entire movie." I told him I didn't care and I would be fine to miss the first ten minutes. He said no. He went on further to explain that the policy of this theater is to make sure that everyone sees the movie they paid for in completion, from beginning to end, due to law suits from customers who missed part of a movie they paid for. It was then that I realized that no matter what i did, there was no way for me to avoid watching this movie.

The remainder of the dream I was trapped in Theater #20 and I watched every single second of Cocktail 2. The details were extremely vivid for a dream and this damn movie seemed to drag on for a lifetime. I stared at the glowing red exit sign waiting for it to end as I avoided making eye contact with the hordes of Will Ferrrell enthusiasts whom I feared would notice my discomfort and stone me to death for my blasphemous thoughts. Finally the movie ended and I was in tears when I woke up in a cold sweat Since then I have tried forgetting the dream to no avail. After that terrible night, the world has not been the same.

When I see posters for movies I flinch in fear that it might advertise the next Will Ferrell blockbuster. A couple of times on a passing train I see what appears to be the same poster I saw in that awful dream. Upon a second glance, luckily, they turn back into an advertisement for whiskey , Bud Lite, the School of Visual Arts, or another movie not starring Will Ferrell. Then another time I thought I would go kick back a drink at a nearby bar. Its not like I have been able to get any sleep anyways. When I walked in and ordered a beer the bartender turned around and SHIT! I THOUGHT IT WAS WILL FERRELL MAKING THAT SAME PORNSTAR SMILE!!!!

I began to run out of the bar and when I got to the door I turned around to take one last look. The bartender was obviously not Will Ferrell. In fact it was a woman. At this point all eyes were on me. I felt like I had to explain my erratic behavior so I came up with a lie, something fast and unsuspicious. "I'm sorry, I thought for a moment that I left the oven on at home, then I remembered that my wife is home, I'll just give her a call." I made a fake phone call and even mouthed the words, "Honey, I'm not sure but I think I left the oven on. Can you check to make sure I didn't? I'm sorry to make you get out of bed. I love you, good night." As I hung up I realized everybody was already back to their conversations and not paying any attention to my ridiculous act.

I left after one drink and even though nobody seemed to be suspicious of my convenient little lie I felt weird and just wanted to be alone. After that I decided to seek professional help. Someone suggested I see a therapist but after telling my story at my first appointment I was laughed out of the office. The same thing happened at the psychiatrist and the folks at the State Hospital too. Fortunately this hasn't affected my ability to work, but I still feel like no matter what, there is still something wrong with the world. Then, one sleepless night I watched a religious television program on Public Access and a dull speaking man was on and for some reason I was listening. He said "If you have questions for God and he answers, you will not be disappointed..." That sounded convincing enough for me so I started going to church and I was seeking answers from the lord himself.

Although not really having any way to explain my problems other than the dream about the bad Will Ferrell movie, any Priest, Bishop, or Parishioner would give me nothing more than a blank stare when I would tell them about it. That was when it became time to seek answers from the man himself. One quiet night I kneeled next to my bed and put my hands together and prayed. I prayed like I did when I was a child. Well, I wasn't so much praying as I was asking. I asked to speak to god directly and that I had some questions for him. I was put on hold for a a few minutes and used this as an opportunity to reiterate my questions in my head.

When the connection came through a glowing figure appeared. Anxiously I asked him " Are you god?" "Yes" the glowing figure said. After an awkward silence I shot out my next question, "Where is this world heading? Everyday things seem to be getting worse, although nothing ever happens, it just keeps going this way and its driving me crazy and I don't know what to do because it doesn't seem like there is anything I can do and its even worse now that this happened and I just don't know any more...Can you help me?"

The figure let out a sigh and replied " Listen, I'm sorry, I can't help you."

"Why not?" I asked, completely dissatisfied and frustrated.

"I know this isn't what you want to hear" God said," But I don't exist."

So that was when things began to get a little better for me. Although he was unable to help me, I appreciated his honesty. This experience helped me realize that sometimes its ok to feel helpless. If mass amounts of people want to go see bad movies why should it matter to me? Although there is the occasional sleepless night after a spotting of Will Ferrell on TV or a billboard, I no longer feel the need to obsess over it anymore. Besides, it was just a dream.